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So every time I miss Sam, and wish that he would just finally get his act together, I realize it's just one foolproof hint that I'm depressed again. Wishing for the impossible (not that he'll never approach his limit of amazing) just knowing what spending my time wishing is like.. it's like running. I do miss him, and wish he would be the man he's waiting (whatever fucking reasons for) to be. Not because I want him.. I just want him fucking happy, but again, that's a waste of MY time.. he's gotta want it. It's just something to get caught up in until he makes a move for himself. i'm not making sense. i am depressed, and it sucks. xo. |
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Guess what? I'm in dramatic mode. One thing to mention before pre-planned spoutage: I have so little time to myself (although I dropped a class today.. i'll explain), that when I feel sufficiently alone enough to think about whatever SHIT is going on that makes me feel generally under-medicated, it pours out and feels way strong and it doesn't feel very healthy anyway. It does feel good- but whatthefuck is that about? Micah and I agreed to stop talking. So between 2 jobs and school, then my usual anger/confusion which I let flare when feeling down about other things, new amazing relationship (and the guilt trips assoc. with it), and now this... inner-battle, I am sick. New symptoms for me. Weirdest ones I've had before were breaking out with urticaria when really angry/stressed. But now with the anxious/scared/pissed/guilt I have muscle spasms and random sharp pains and nausea. It's not enjoyable, but it's more just scary. You know when you have things you've realized, but they haven't become part of you yet? Maybe I should be spending my brain energy on becoming my own best friend, Goddamn. I feel like this is only even slightly coherent to someone who is ME.. or has my brain and experiences. I'm still getting drunk tonight.
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and by all I only mean what is on my mind at the moment. I'm fucking tormented. I didn't notice because it feels normal. It's all I want to talk about . and I am boring and lame just like before. My dad's flying in in a couple hours. I'm in the thick of the juxtaposition of 1) the SHIT involved with ending a great-but-not-perfect relationship and 2) having an AMAZING wonderful time in a new one. and really, 3) the inexplicability to my now ex that I can't know if this new one will ever become something perfect, but that doesn't mean I get (want.. really) to stop looking. And he's also intimidating, no matter how many times I remember that I don't care. He's still my dad. I'm tired of being this fucking honest and feeling like it's childish. I'm tired of understanding what I need to do and questioning my reasons as to why it's so damn important. I feel culmination. I feel slightly lackadaisical. What I want to feel is alone. I want to shut all of it, ALL of this shit off for a whole day, and be upset, be lonely, be scared, work hard, understand something that I don't have to share, and finish a project i'm sick of. Don't let me be my fucking mother. I need to get out of my damned mind. Thank you, Lewis Thomas.
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Fuck this! I can't write on here. |
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So when stoned, I re-looked up my favorite new stranger: The man with the balloon fetish. In case you haven't seen this shit, czech it out: www.youtube.com/watch And been listening to The Stack, right? which reminds me I have this old CD that Nat and Les (AKA Bunny & theMurmaid) made for me in High School. Un-digress: So I'm watching this "beautiful" retaliatory video from the balloon fetish man and laugh about james blunt but not as hard as the rest of the bunnymurmaid CD- which is at this point playing Dynamite Hack's version of Boyz in the Hood (beautifully depicted at: www.youtube.com/watch) The combination, with mota? Just about perfect. I love my life. I'm fucking done, but fuckyes. It's worth re-reading to remember.. Oh, it also led me to listen to the ORIGINAL Boyz in the Hood by Easy E.. which makes the DH version way, way radder.
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Larger than Life - Backstreet Boys Here comes the Hotstepper - Ini Kamoze Words: "You invent something! like inward singing!" These are various things stuck in my head upon recent awakenings, leaving me feeling fairly confused and concerned for the amount and type of sleep I may be getting. AKA this is the post right after Ia rolllllllllercoaster of a weekend. With the awesome camping, awesome new people, super awesome newish friendship, and WAHOOO swimming. And missing my boyfriend, but then stressing about school, and my sense of timing and lack of ability, and what the FUCK is going to happen and why the hell would I have gotten myself in this predicament? oh right because he's friggin awesome. And so as if that made any sense... I broke it off yesterday. I wrote a kick-ass paper, and cried and got intoxed and became fairly happy and said out loud how proud I am of myself.. But i'm fucking wiped. I don't yet know what kind of breakup this is going to be. I'm such a fucking cold stone. That's all I have left to be angry about.. but I'm really pretty angry.
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so i REALLY FUCKING WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL. Visiting my dad in France was unbelievable. He has the money to pay for me to almost get a bachelors... that would be totally fair for him to give me. I........ didn't ask him. Because since he was paying for stuff on the visit, i didn't feel like telling him when the stuff he wanted to do was NOT anything like what I would like to do- because he was paying for it. reminded me why i didn't let him pay for my schooling in the first place. (repetitive. oii) I don't know anymore. i get home and pay my bills and fill up the car and am already going to be very very broke for a couple weeks. I need to fucking go to school. I am tired of my life. I love my friends, i understand i have it pretty good, but i know I can do better. I know i can do something that interests me, and i am not going to feel selfish about it. Is it worth feeling like i'm under his thumb? I mean- is being upset and frustrated with him not worth having my fucking degree? I guess it finally got put together in my head, that of course he's worked really fucking hard. and he has the things he wants.. (not that it's that simple, but snapshot view- he is doing awesome) and i work really fucking hard. all the time, but it's a low level job and i will never save money this way and i will never be able to retire. i'm not having it. i am totally spoiled right now, but maybe that's what i need. i need a break from thinking this is all i can do, just because i don't have the time and money to do better. I want to go to school full time. i want to stop working. i know this feeling will pass and i know this is an incredibly egocentric post. but I really, really want to go do good stuff and be interested in my life. fuck.
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So my scholastic life has been non-existent. I have gone part-time, every-other term since high school. The people and friends I graduated HS with that continued to go full time, passed their classes, and didn't switch majors too many times are graduating right now. It kinda sucks, but it does remind me it's attainable. The how and why are silly little details, because all that's left is how and why it's hard now. Anyway- since it's stopped being "my responsibility" my life's opened up. I am excited about school (well that's not new.. but I want to figure out a way to go full time and get a fucking degree). I mentioned Micah before- It's the first time since before I became co-dependent with/on Sam that I've actually CARED about the person I'm dating. I've made some bad habits with dating people I don't care about, and need to get rid of those, and be careful of them. I remember that I was a good writer- when i wrote stories and papers, as in back in high school. I want to get back to that. I want to write. I think I'll start here and in WR121.. that's right. All over again. I'm back THERE. Reading OSC books makes me feel like everyone's smarter than me, or at least makes me miss feeling like I was among the swimming fish. So beyond all the bullshit that is short-term or petty or just plain blown out of proportion, this is what's at my core. This is where I'm at furreal. The other things that lay close to my heart involve my biological family (meaning NOT the Sam/Bau/KatieCalebJonPriscilla/Andrew family) where I am angry at my sisters deep below the fact that I think they're very cool people in general; spending time around them gives me a chance to learn what it feels like to laugh at people who treat me as if I'm not worth their time. It's a good lesson. Eh... this one could go on, here I truncate. So today, I go finish book 9, and swim, and lay out in the sun. Should be amazing. I am too exhausted to do much else. And I want to remember the sunny days. WOW. since I wrote that, my mind and browser wandered and I applied for a job, and signed up on Yelp. Must go swim now.
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"whores and sluts need lovin', too. They're people!" Goddamn if I'll ever stop loving you!
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Reading up is so odd! It's been only 7?8? months since I wrote and yet part of it I don't remember, and parts that I assumed wouldn't need explaining DO. I should throw in something now, something current. I'm going to share a couple stories I would want to remember. I am not speaking to Sam. I really wonder when I started missing him, I wonder how fucking long I've been missing that man. I love him to death, and I will always, always love him. I will probably always miss him, just like Sandra Cisneros said, you know? Just like sometimes the petulant child in me reins well over the sophisticated, professional adult I know I CAN be.. rarely, sometimes I will want just what I wanted when I was 18. Even though I don't want it anymore, and he's not who he was when I wanted him, I will always miss KNOWING that I was careless about being in Love. So happy and unworried. Such unbridled love. Who wouldn't miss that? I am dating someone. Furreal. First time it's been honestly meaningful and hopeful since I was 18. Only the 3rd person I've hoped on so much.. It's fucking scary. I don't want to be a girlfriend. The idea REALLY FUCKING TERRIFIES ME. But I think he's worth it. Dating is scary, because either you don't know the person and have nothing to lose, or you know them well enough to be scared about losing whatchagot. I'm totally scared to lose Micah's friendship, but I'd rather be there than not caring at all. But it does make me miss Sam. It makes me sad for him, wishing he could come along in life, or that he had all along. You know why I'm insane? My quasi-ex (oh me and my pseudos.. now I understand) came back to work with me. I love the kid to death, but don't want him at all. He is trying to make me feel bad for it. I am frustrated by how slowly it's appearing to people around me that I grew up, and don't put up with any of the shit I used to put up with. But act one way all the time, and it's hard to break the impression, right? Right? You worry too much, buddy! I do have one big question.. I have a platonic friendship with a man! Whom I love. I love very, very much! He's just fucking awesome, and motivating, and yet, depressed, and so not annoying as fuck. Forgive me. All my turbulent (good and bad!) friendship are with men. and there are always a lot of them. I just don't like women.... what can I say? alright, really nothing of this is pertinent, or even interesting, but I would like to know for ever and for always just what I was thinking right now.
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So.. been angry for years about how i seemed to be the only one who cared about the family being in-tact. It made me feel good when I was little, to be the puppeteer.. or that's how it felt then. Then I felt like shit because I realized I was doing THAT instead of getting a life, or having fun in the one I already had.. like they were all (both?) doing. Which is blameless, of course, but just feeling angry at myself and/or whatever reason that made me prioritize that way, be it innate or taught. But then I am going to spend the holiday with my mom and g-ma, and that makes ME happy. I don't care if there are awesome friends I could be spending it with, and I'm happy for my friends that will be happy with their holiday company.. I guess i just mean that I found a way to realize that I did it because it does make me happy and maybe that's the life I WAS building, and WAS enjoying. I am finally realizing this, maybe because.. my families lives don't suck now? Maybe because I'm so damned determined to be happy, or to be close to my blood, or whatever silly reason (what other kinds are there, really?) But it still makes me feel good, that I got to call my Dad on his birthday, and that I got to let him know how his ex is doing, and that I got to see for myself for the first time just how he deals with thinking about her. That my now well-rooted inclinations to reach out communicate with people about other people that have been in their lives.. that it isn't some childish cause of the effect of being used as a tool, or treated as a pet. It's my passion, it's my way, and it's good. Okay, if I include anymore it will stop being jubilant, as I am. but fucking HOOORAY.
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just thinking far too much about my family, and then thinking about abandoning all family for all time, because their selfishness easily deserves mine. hating that x-files might be a stimulus in my life. at least i found one. i know i'm doing alright, though, because i've been wondering if i'm insane. When I don't think I am, I know i'm just ignoring my own thoughts of course. I'm at a point of change. you know how you feel those. okay. just assembling it made me realize it should be titled: *If Sam and I can never balance out our friendship. Nothing happened. I needed a friend, he was drunk and said stupid shit, and I just.. wondered how drunk he was, waited for him to sober up, and am now waiting for him to feel better so we can have that talk i needed him for. I'm happy to continue to uh.. be understanding. I worry that I'm using him for a source of stability. That subconsciously I won't get over him because I need so badly to care strongly for someone continuously, someone to get chances at altruism for, and that although he's always been the best candidate, and although perfectly happy being too comfortable to check again, (outside of him) that I am harming him. That ultimately, I am accomplishing nothing but teaching him that being loved means not being held accountable. *Whether I will miss romantic flattery one day, and if the disgust i have for it now will have worn off, allowing me to trust someone new, ever.. *How much I understand my father. It terrifies me. I wonder how the fuck it's so obvious to me (at 21) why not to make some decisions that my parents did (at various ages, of course.. but all over 21). Fuck it, i mean it's MY hindsight on THEIR decisions, and it's judgmental. Maybe I should just be grateful for their examples. That I, too, felt like the one least appreciated in my family growing up. And how it made me turn from everyone, and put MY work-my-ass-off efforts in research. (his happened much earlier, of course.. i'll get to that later) But i just don't get why the hell he married and had kids. Was it some success marker? Was it that he never really thought through it? I mean.. obviously it didn't really interest him, ever. Whatever, i mean, dude's succeeded.. I suppose he's happy, and i mean obviously I'M pleased he didn't think it through, or whatever. Just odd. * And.. the one i'm not worried about, just kinda angry, and curious. *Why it took me so long to hate my family. I know why. It's because growing up, somehow, I damn it. |
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So- worked a damn diggity BOMB day at ZLB. Went shopping with Marc for a birthday present for this girl who litterally contains some portion of PURE JOY. then got to give it to her at work, with marc, while listening to that joy come out in laughter form... So. Damn. Beautiful. Got upset and adamant about cross training to phlebotomy. The person (lovely lovely lady that she is) told me to get off my ass and go tell my boss.. again. made it clear to my boss JUST how much it matters to me to stick, and that if I don't then I've wasted my time working for her.. more or less (that's what i said in my head). she told me I'll move out there in a matter of weeks. as in 2ish. permanently. fuck yes. it's about damn time! Okay. anywho. So then i went home, tried to sleep, because I started my other job last night, a overnight shift, part time. had to be there by 12, put on City of Angels, in hopes that it would bore me to sleep before 10 pm. it failed. so i watched a shit movie. wahoo! too funny; every move i actually WANT to see??? I pass out in about 20 minutes. hilarious. Then get ready for work, during which point a dear friend who I know I've pissed off to high heaven writes me to say he never wants to hear from me again. my attempts, even post-original(ish) piss-off... have only made me LESS desireable as a friend. So yeah, cried all the way to new job, (not complaining.. just really want to remember) Figure out friend might not mean it, but still feel like shit. Work until 8:30 this morning, with a woman who i was told is the BEST trainer they've got. Shit goddamn, she didn't actuall train me at all, she used me as an assistant so that we could each do half the work of a real shift, then sit around watching saved by the bell (college) for a couple hours. then i get to go listen to a woman tell me about why they have the right to drug test their employees, and all the while giving me this knowing look like we have this sisterhood of condescending to drug-users. I really wish i could have seen my face. then i drove home, did my best to reconcile with my friend. scratch that. I've never done my best, but I do do what I think is right (lately proven to be worth shit, but can't say I didn't wish with all my might). and got home at 10. Have to leave for work back at my old job in 15 minutes. kerFUCK. so I'm doing the only thing that made sense once I got home - smoking my last cigarette (thank Someone it's payday) and started eating strawberry-flavored whoppers.. the candy kind. now I have music in my head. kisses.. or someshit
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"I understand that you're trying to help me, I don't think I'm ready to understand what you're saying" for completeness, I did do a little bit of journaling betwixt the last two posts..
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I wish I could catch myself up to this point. I suppose I just wish I had some tangible record of the past.. 26 months. I'd say that I'm no different in the fact that I'm still struggling for awareness. I am struggling with the concept that I have no idea whatsoever whether or not I'm way more out of it than the average human. I know that looking back, people understood what was going on around me, things that I didn't understand until now. but who says that doesn't happen to everyone? I'm also a little more grateful, day to day.
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