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I'm feeling like feeling important and vile. So I'm brooding!
That's right:
Episode 317 of Friends, Cat Power, a real Bourdeaux (from 2005, of course), Rhino, Petanque, and Mary.

Nobody else- I'm reflecting on that part of it. I haven't had anyone as close to me as I'd like them to be in a very long time. It's nothing rare, just noticed today.
Last night went awry as, for the first time in ages, I cared enough about the situation I was in, to be focused enough to be exactly aware of my surroundings and what was REALLY going on, in the moment. I usually don't pay enough attention to realize what's going on until days later. Last night I realized that there is no man who is actually mysterious, and while it saddens me (of course), it's refreshing. I don't have to make any decisions about it, I just have some new knowledge. (And of course, it's a blanket statement. When will I learn? =D)

I thought this was going to be a long post. Instead I'm just craving the wine.

Feeling somewhat deserving of what will be someday,
no, I can never stay melancholy at the memory of your face.
All alone in the garden of long-lost, hopeful plans,
no, I can never stay anything, for long.

Cheers!

Awww it was good to read that last one! (Last public, self, jeez)

P.C. and I spent the month of December apart, kept up the awesome, stress-free friend thing going all month, and then promptly decided to start hooking up again, it's complicated, without too much complication, and it's a little messy but overall much better than, say, November. (shudder).

In art class!! I love clay.. and by that I mean I respect the shit. It's so personal. Meaning.... it takes things personally, like under-wedging, and *gasp* dropping, and over-handling. It's kinda like Peyton! But much harder to convince that I still love it... there's no easy reward like kibbles, for clay.

I'm in math, and it's kicking my ass a little. It's not my easiest, that's for sure, and I'm having a lot of fun, but not abreast of the info I should be abreast of. A breast a breast a breast.
bwahahaha. Guy came up to me after the mid-term (couple hours ago) and said he's organizing a study group. Sounds solid to me. Hoping one more asset will push me over the edge into comprehension. Worth a shot.

Hanging out with good friends, enjoying work a lot more, and CHILLING THE FUCK OUT.
I'm all focused on whether or not my priorities are in-tact. Like stressing out about Calculus HW? totally worth it! fun! rewarding, no matter what! stressing about whether my friends think I'm holding them in the right regard, and whether or not I am a bitch? Don't take this the wrong way, but Really not worth it. All that mind don't matter and matter don't mind stuff, but srsly.
I really adore the people I spend time with, lately, including most of my co-workers. It's all getting easier to enjoy when I stop over-analyzing all zis shit.

I did make a grand realization about myself and dating.. it's kinda depressing, and probably somewhat incorrect, but at least it doesn't really matter.

What else, I went to see Sam for his birfday, that man is fucking strong.. quite interestingly, I notice that his social anxieties completely vanish when it comes to matters of sheer... importance. It's embarrassing how long I took to notice, but it's also fucking thrilling. I get really joyful when I learn good lessons from people I respect AND like. Other people I can learn from, but it really pisses me off.

I have a story; another about how I wish I were perceived differently, about how I am tired of being a woman and would love to get to make jokes like men get to, but that's all such bullshit it's disgusting. I do think that way sometimes, but only when I'm feeling bitchy. The point being that I can't really describe this story the way I want to, it'll seem cheesy, but I like it:
There are two wolves fighting inside of you, always. A good one, and an evil one.
Which one wins the fight??

-The one you feed.

Peace Corps and I broke up.
It's really confusing, mainly because it's NOT STRESSFUL.
I mean srsly! WTF, mate? (that's right, I sound fucking CHIPPER.. whutttt the hell?) I had a crush on him for so long, the way you dream of movie stars, and then couldn't cut the mustard once we actually got together. Now we split, I sat around terrified of what a mistake it was going to be, but in fact, now we get along amazingly well...

It's a little frustrating, but I'm just SO happy that our tension is gone, and that we stopped pushing each other away. And whenever that little bug that comes around going (dude.. this guy's totally best friend material; want him!) I already know better. Weird much? But; YAYyyy Is back to bedder!

I'm hanging out with women, meeting new people, feeling better about myself in general. Ready to chill out and be artsy next term, ready to love mein job again. Glad as fuck to be single.. it's been too long and it's just so fucking nice (fuck you, masters of reality).

And yet, there's something nagging at me.
Next post: investigate.

Night! back to ze elder folks.

So every time I miss Sam, and wish that he would just finally get his act together, I realize it's just one foolproof hint that I'm depressed again.

Wishing for the impossible (not that he'll never approach his limit of amazing) just knowing what spending my time wishing is like.. it's like running.

I do miss him, and wish he would be the man he's waiting (whatever fucking reasons for) to be.  Not because I want him.. I just want him fucking happy, but again, that's a waste of MY time.. he's gotta want it.  It's just something to get caught up in until he makes a move for himself.

i'm not making sense. i am depressed, and it sucks.
i'm gonna go home and smoke about it.

xo.

Guess what? I'm in dramatic mode. 
One thing to mention before pre-planned spoutage:  I have so little time to myself (although I dropped a class today.. i'll explain), that when I feel sufficiently alone enough to think about whatever SHIT is going on that makes me feel generally under-medicated, it pours out and feels way strong and it doesn't feel very healthy anyway.  It does feel good- but whatthefuck is that about?

Micah and I agreed to stop talking.
I know it's brand new, but i can't fucking take it.  I felt like hunting oblivion earlier, and through a silly conversation in my own head[fuck] i decided to read up on him, found out he's got new shit going down, in some form.  Now I just wanna say fuckitol.  I can't stop thinking about this..   I keep guilt tripping myself, too. I didn't want to talk to all my friends about it, but i've already talked to 3, this wine bottle is the 4th.
I don't want to be consumed, but I keep second guessing myself, then telling myself it's part of the whole head game I'm caught in.
I'm going to miss that crackhead just as much as her papa. 

So between 2 jobs and school, then my usual anger/confusion which I let flare when feeling down about other things, new amazing relationship (and the guilt trips assoc. with it), and now this... inner-battle, I am sick. New symptoms for me.  Weirdest ones I've had before were breaking out with urticaria when really angry/stressed.  But now with the anxious/scared/pissed/guilt I have muscle spasms and random sharp pains and nausea.  It's not enjoyable, but it's more just scary.
So I dropped French class.  Lots of reasons, some totally normal and smart.  I could bust through the class for easy credit, but since it's really fucking easy, I let it be the brunt of my laziness.  I have already skipped it twice in 3 weeks, and the teacher doesn't seem to like me much, because she assumes (correctly) that I'm taking her class for easy credit.  really shouldn't matter- as long as I show up, don't disrupt the class, and do the work she shouldn't get to care.. but yeah, already didn't show up couple times.  So now I'm down to 10 credits, which is totally okay with me. I would rather kick ass in 2 than muddle through 3.
I love math class, BTW.

You know when you have things you've realized, but they haven't become part of you yet?
Like I realize that in terms of my life, I don't want my closest friend to be someone I don't trust, that getting someone like Micah out of my system is the very best thing for me, that any other perspective is regressive and immature, that doing anything but staying this course is foolish, and will lead to anger and regret.  That I am repeating my mistakes with Micah about not recognizing what specific things about him mean so much to me, and that I should be spending my spare brain energy on adoring the super amazing qualities of Mr. Pexton.
I realize how silly I must seem from the outside, but I am, like you reader, a creature of habit.  Fucking time to break this habit.  
Anyway- these things.  I am going to absorb them.  
I'm going to remember the things I know to remember- like to appreciate good things that came from a wonky friendship, memories, attributes, new facets of myself, and the strength to internalize them.






Maybe I should be spending my brain energy on becoming my own best friend, Goddamn.
It's about time I remember I don't need to find comfort from other fucking people.
I just can't justify my love for comforting them without it.  (one of the best lessons my mother ever taught me.)

I feel like this is only even slightly coherent to someone who is ME.. or has my brain and experiences.
I'm a lucky lady, to have such opportunities and memories.

I'm still getting drunk tonight.
Can't stay here, I hope you take care.
WodKaKofFee + Anna = Romance.

and by all I only mean what is on my mind at the moment.

I'm fucking tormented. I didn't notice because it feels normal.  It's all I want to talk about . and I am boring and lame just like before.

My dad's flying in in a couple hours.  I'm in the thick of the juxtaposition of 1) the SHIT involved with ending a great-but-not-perfect relationship and 2) having an AMAZING wonderful time in a new one. and really, 3) the inexplicability to my now ex that I can't know if this new one will ever become something perfect, but that doesn't mean I get (want.. really) to stop looking.  
The difference betwixt having something large to do with my need to be progressive and my new need to finally take my own life on.  And that that all stemmed during the last time I SAW MY DAD. and the fact that I didn't grab on to my own life because of three people. one he spawned that is not me, one he married, and then one that (it pissed me off, but) he never got to know..  And now I think I'm okay about my sister.. because I'm totally succeeding and can feel that I'm making the right decisions. BUT worried that this whole new lifestyle is just the most beautiful Dress- that I can't afford forever, who knows why not.  Because I'm not yet convinced that a change is just a decision, that i'm not tempting fate here.  But there's only this way to find out.

And he's also intimidating, no matter how many times I remember that I don't care.  He's still my dad.

I'm tired of being this fucking honest and feeling like it's childish. I'm tired of understanding what I need to do and questioning my reasons as to why it's so damn important.  I feel culmination. I feel slightly lackadaisical.  What I want to feel is alone.  I want to shut all of it, ALL of this shit off for a whole day, and be upset, be lonely, be scared, work hard, understand something that I don't have to share, and finish a project i'm sick of.

Don't let me be my fucking mother.


I need to get out of my damned mind.  Thank you, Lewis Thomas.

So when stoned, I re-looked up my favorite new stranger: The man with the balloon fetish.  In case you haven't seen this shit, czech it out: www.youtube.com/watch

And been listening to The Stack, right? which reminds me I have this old CD that Nat and Les (AKA Bunny & theMurmaid) made for me in High School.
So BASICALLY these three items combine to create the moment of me watching the RETALIATORY VIDEO by the balloon man!! (FYI no longer my favorite new stranger. BUT he's still out there for hisself. i'm down.  So apparently some people made fun of him for the first video, so he made a video showing off how nice his life is.  TO JAMES BLUNT'S YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.  I'm done. Just click: www.youtube.com/watch
Okay, so this is total lame-o hipster post with all my damn you-tubeing and it makes me feel extremely minute. But wtf. i got a kick out of it.  The James Blunt thing's even better since I saw THIS:www.youtube.com/watch
And that is only amazing because of the beginning of the literal videos- the very, very best being: (IF YOU WATCH NONE OF THE OTHER VIDEOS WATCH THIS ONE IT'S WORTH HAVING INSIDE JOKES ABOUT GOGOGO) www.youtube.com/watch

Un-digress:  So I'm watching this "beautiful" retaliatory video from the balloon fetish man and laugh about james blunt but not as hard as the rest of the bunnymurmaid CD- which is at this point playing Dynamite Hack's version of Boyz in the Hood (beautifully depicted at: www.youtube.com/watch)  The combination, with mota?  Just about perfect.  I love my life.

I'm fucking done, but fuckyes.  It's worth re-reading to remember.. Oh, it also led me to listen to the ORIGINAL Boyz in the Hood by Easy E.. which makes the DH version way, way radder.

Larger than Life - Backstreet Boys

Here comes the Hotstepper - Ini Kamoze

Words: "You invent something! like inward singing!"


These are various things stuck in my head upon recent awakenings, leaving me feeling fairly confused and concerned for the amount and type of sleep I may be getting.


AKA this is the post right after Ia rolllllllllercoaster of a weekend.  With the awesome camping, awesome new people, super awesome newish friendship, and WAHOOO swimming.  And missing my boyfriend, but then stressing about school, and my sense of timing and lack of ability, and what the FUCK is going to happen and why the hell would I have gotten myself in this predicament? oh right because he's friggin awesome.  And so as if that made any sense... I broke it off yesterday.  I wrote a kick-ass paper, and cried and got intoxed and became fairly happy and said out loud how proud I am of myself.. But i'm fucking wiped.

I don't yet know what kind of breakup this is going to be.
Right now, let me record that I am worried as fuck that he won't even try to see the sense of it.  Which is fair, i guess.  And he will look for other reasons, like he may think I never cared (wait, he already brought that one up), he may think I cheated, even though he knows that's not possible, he may think someone turned me against him.  I hope he sees that we were on uneven footing in terms of goals and desires from day one, that just because I was in more control of myself than appeared, does not mean I was holding myself back from him.  Example, I needed his help to decide to get together, but not to split.
YES, to answer.. I loved you, I love you now. But never as much as I wanted to.  I'm a little sorry to you, but honestly, more to myself, that I won't love anyone like THAT again.  It's smart.  I spent my amount of love of that volume.  I probably got to spend more of it than most people do, it's stupid spending and it leads to stupid decisions and very, very stupid pains. But I wanted to love you even just short of that.. just without the stupid blindness.  But isn't that was my elder's have been trying to remind me of? That love is blind? Love IS stupid?
Well, I can honestly say that I've done as much research as I can on the matter.  I know all I care to know at this age.  College, self-respect, hard work, and SCIENCE interest me much more, now.  Besides, when you've gotten conclusive results from three examples, it's unnecessary to seek a 4th for proof, right? (sob?)

I'm such a fucking cold stone.
I hate that.

That's all I have left to be angry about.. but I'm really pretty angry.
I love Franz Kafka.

so i REALLY FUCKING WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL.
Visiting my dad in France was unbelievable. He has the money to pay for me to almost get a bachelors... that would be totally fair for him to give me. I........ didn't ask him. Because since he was paying for stuff on the visit, i didn't feel like telling him when the stuff he wanted to do was NOT anything like what I would like to do- because he was paying for it. reminded me why i didn't let him pay for my schooling in the first place.  (repetitive. oii)
I don't know anymore.
i get home and pay my bills and fill up the car and am already going to be very very broke for a couple weeks.
I need to fucking go to school.
I am tired of my life.  I love my friends, i understand i have it pretty good, but i know I can do better. I know i can do something that interests me, and i am not going to feel selfish about it.  Is it worth feeling like i'm under his thumb?  I mean- is being upset and frustrated with him not worth having my fucking degree?
I guess it finally got put together in my head, that of course he's worked really fucking hard. and he has the things he wants.. (not that it's that simple, but snapshot view- he is doing awesome) and i work really fucking hard. all the time, but it's a low level job and i will never save money this way and i will never be able to retire.
i'm not having it. i am totally spoiled right now, but maybe that's what i need.
i need a break from thinking this is all i can do, just because i don't have the time and money to do better.
I want to go to school full time. i want to stop working.  
i know this feeling will pass and i know this is an incredibly egocentric post.  but I really, really want to go do good stuff and be interested in my life.

fuck.
why is this depressing!?!

So my scholastic life has been non-existent.
I have gone part-time, every-other term since high school.

The people and friends I graduated HS with that continued to go full time, passed their classes, and didn't switch majors too many times are graduating right now.  It kinda sucks, but it does remind me it's attainable.

The how and why are silly little details, because all that's left is how and why it's hard now.
I really want to go to school full time, I don't know how.  I don't know how to get money, and i don't know how to pay my bills.  Because working full time (plus a little), i can get 2 classes in, and then the next term I am exhausted, usually sick, and have been ignoring some drama and now i need to face it and I'm too sick to do it again please let me relax.
As in- general complaining out of a lazy person.
I've been so lazy because I had a child. Dude don't flip it's Sam.  I understand now that I didn't need to be so involved.. I think.  I only stopped trying to be his support when his family and friends finally totally took over for me (we broke up year and a half ago.. you'd think.)  And they all did that once Sam checked himself into rehab, once I scared him that he will kill himself, after my shrink scared me, after i got a shrink, after Sam had a heightened delerium.
Anyway- when we split I felt bored, because I had no one to baby all the time.  But then ended up still being the only one to baby him (in my head.. now I get that I was the only one because other people may have been smart enough to understand he didn't need babying.. although they (meaning mainly parents) certainly are babying him now.)

Anyway-  since it's stopped being "my responsibility" my life's opened up.  I am excited about school (well that's not new.. but I want to figure out a way to go full time and get a fucking degree).  I mentioned Micah before- It's the first time since before I became co-dependent with/on Sam that I've actually CARED about the person I'm dating.  I've made some bad habits with dating people I don't care about, and need to get rid of those, and be careful of them.  
In the past I'd go for guys who had ANYTHING in common with me, just because I could make that look reasonable, while not giving a fuck.  I'd call them my pseudo-boyfriend.. how fucking flattering.
But now I want to do volunteer work, and actually KEEP my garden, and keep a clean house, and own a potter's wheel, and get through school to get a job in a research lab.  I do love my job- I work in plasma donation- so I get to practice learning to stick, like.. around 30 sticks a day which is awesome, learn to teach (because i teach the new kids to do what I do), and meet a bunch of people I'd most likely never meet.  I get to know them well, I get to know their lives, and stories about their kids, Oh, yes, there ARE some donors that I do NOT love getting the chance to know- leave it at that; really no thing.  Meanwhile, I make enough hours to pay my bills! Barely.  It's a goodish life.  But I want to do awesome lab work.  I want to compare samples! I want to be a chemist! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I also want to learn programming.  I think I'd be good at it, and it'd be pretty fucking fun.

I remember that I was a good writer- when i wrote stories and papers, as in back in high school.  I want to get back to that.  I want to write.  I think I'll start here and in WR121.. that's right. All over again.  I'm back THERE.

Reading OSC books makes me feel like everyone's smarter than me, or at least makes me miss feeling like I was among the swimming fish.
But I'm on my 9th in the past year.  And I get really angry when I think about dying (soon). So I think that means I am excited to live! It took long enough.  And Sam's the one that got me out of depression.  Or at least made me happy enough to get me to want to be out of it.  I think I wanted to pay him back, that I felt eternally grateful.. and spent the gift he'd given me on him.  
Well- I felt eternally grateful because the gift is not wearing out.  I think I've thanked him enough, and I'm ready to spend some on me.

So beyond all the bullshit that is short-term or petty or just plain blown out of proportion,  this is what's at my core.  This is where I'm at furreal.  The other things  that lay close to my heart involve my biological family (meaning NOT the Sam/Bau/KatieCalebJonPriscilla/Andrew family) where I am angry at my sisters deep below the fact that I think they're very cool people in general; spending time around them gives me a chance to learn what it feels like to laugh at people who treat me as if I'm not worth their time.  It's a good lesson.  Eh...  this one could go on, here I truncate.
And wishing my mother would wake up and smell the fucking lack of control.  Seriously. The world is not your plane, and no one gave you any orange sticks to direct it with, even if it were.
I say that all jovially, but it's because i'm hardened against caring deeply, because she seems uncurable.  Meanwhile, she's missing out, big time.  (Everybody knows that you're insane? Interesting...)

So today, I go finish book 9, and swim, and lay out in the sun. Should be amazing.  I am too exhausted to do much else. And I want to remember the sunny days.


WOW. since I wrote that, my mind and browser wandered and I applied for a job, and signed up on Yelp.
I'm obv. done writing.

Must go swim now.

Reading up is so odd!

It's been only 7?8? months since I wrote and yet part of it I don't remember, and parts that I assumed wouldn't need explaining DO.

I should throw in something now, something current.

I'm going to share a couple stories I would want to remember.
My manipulative friend from recent posts would be my friend Marc.  I do not speak to him anymore, because he was selfish around me one too many times to let me believe that he ever meant it when he said he was sorry for all the times before.  I don't speak to him now because he is not someone to be friends with if you are shy about enforcing your boundaries.  He took full advantage of my huge, despicable flaw.

I am not speaking to Sam.  I really wonder when I started missing him, I wonder how fucking long I've been missing that man.  I love him to death, and I will always, always love him.  I will probably always miss him, just like Sandra Cisneros said, you know?  Just like sometimes the petulant child in me reins well over the sophisticated, professional adult I know I CAN be.. rarely, sometimes I will want just what I wanted when I was 18. Even though I don't want it anymore, and he's not who he was when I wanted him, I will always miss KNOWING that I was careless about being in Love.  So happy and unworried. Such unbridled love.  Who wouldn't miss that?
Lord knows, that he has had one hell of a Spring.  and I know that I am highly paranoid and hurt deep, deep inside by people that I adore so much.
I can't imagine what you're going through.  Which is the only reason I'm not blisteringly angry with you for never, ever being there for me.

I am dating someone. Furreal. First time it's been honestly meaningful and hopeful since I was 18.  Only the 3rd person I've hoped on so much..  It's fucking scary.  I don't want to be a girlfriend. The idea REALLY FUCKING TERRIFIES ME.  But I think he's worth it.  Dating is scary, because either you don't know the person and have nothing to lose, or you know them well enough to be scared about losing whatchagot. I'm totally scared to lose Micah's friendship, but I'd rather be there than not caring at all.
I realize I never cared very strongly about anyone because Sam had me scared to.. NOT THAT I'D BLAME ALL SHIT ON HIM.  I was super attached to him because he was the one that was FUCKING THERE when my life changed from batshitcrazy die for my family yet incredibly depressed 24/7 to take care of yourself because no one else gives a shit, and if they do it's cause they want the credit.  Engulfed = probably why I picked people I couldn't attach to, but still, First time since he got his mindfuck hold over me that I'm breaking away and dating.  I'm scared shitless.  BUT, what an amazing friend, and what clarity, and what totally enviable/admirable reasoning and communicating skills bundled up in the first man I've called my Boyfriend in a while. end of '07 anyway. 

But it does make me miss Sam. It makes me sad for him, wishing he could come along in life, or that he had all along.  You know why I'm insane?
Because no one on the planet believes how benevolent I am toward Sam. No one understands that I don't care if he's a jackass sometimes, or a child, or whatever else I believe him to be.  I just love the shit outta him, and I really, REALLY want him to be happy.  But that makes people uncomfortable, so fuckitall.

My quasi-ex (oh me and my pseudos.. now I understand) came back to work with me.  I love the kid to death, but don't want him at all.  He is trying to make me feel bad for it.  I am frustrated by how slowly it's appearing to people around me that I grew up, and don't put up with any of the shit I used to put up with.  But act one way all the time, and it's hard to break the impression, right? Right? You worry too much, buddy!

I do have one big question..
Is Nat Back with Arlen??  I'm so fucking confused. It's good for me.
There are so many details that I simply don't know and have no way of verifying, but it's good for be because I need to have more situations in my life that I cannot control.. or believe I control anyway.  High time that becomes habit.  I think it will increase my lifejoy.
I love Bau..  still my sanity anchor on a regular basis, even though I am paranoid that he's lying to me all the time.  I don't really care, because he's a sane, platonic link to my past that isn't a fuckass.  And who can make references that will always be pertinent (i.e. "you don't always have to go Sasha Milonova on your projects")  I'd be long gone and insane if it weren't for Bau.

I have a platonic friendship with a man! Whom I love. I love very, very much!  He's just fucking awesome, and motivating, and yet, depressed, and so not annoying as fuck.  Forgive me.
Oh, and happens to be a good listener. Just the kind of friend I need.... srsly.

All my turbulent (good and bad!) friendship are with men. and there are always a lot of them.   I just don't like women.... what can I say?
Except Vi.... I will always have a mad, mad crush on Vi.  Maybe because she's the only person I got to know, fell for, and never had the chance to sully it.  Maybe I AM a lesbian.  That would make my life much, MUCH easier.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 
Right, because dealing with bullshit from some douches sometimes is harder than homosexual discrimination.
Forgive me.

alright, really nothing of this is pertinent, or even interesting, but I would like to know for ever and for always just what I was thinking right now.
To miss Sam is to miss a part of my life that embarasses me to no end.
That's why I only do it when I'm driving, alone. 

just thinking far too much about my family, and then thinking about abandoning all family for all time, because their selfishness easily deserves mine.
hating that x-files might be a stimulus in my life. at least i found one.
i know i'm doing alright, though, because i've been wondering if i'm insane.
When I don't think I am, I know i'm just ignoring my own thoughts of course.

I'm at a point of change. you know how you feel those.
Recent sequence, give or take

okay. just assembling it made me realize it should be titled:
Things i'm worried about

*If Sam and I can never balance out our friendship.  Nothing happened.  I needed a friend, he was drunk and said stupid shit, and I just.. wondered how drunk he was, waited for him to sober up, and am now waiting for him to feel better so we can have that talk i needed him for.  I'm happy to continue to uh.. be understanding.  I worry that I'm using him for a source of stability.  That subconsciously I won't get over him because I need so badly to care strongly for someone continuously, someone to get chances at altruism for, and that although he's always been the best candidate, and although perfectly happy being too comfortable to check again, (outside of him) that I am harming him.  That ultimately, I am accomplishing nothing but teaching him that being loved means not being held accountable.

*Whether I will miss romantic flattery one day, and if the disgust i have for it now will have worn off, allowing me to trust someone new, ever..

*How much I understand my father. It terrifies me.  I wonder how the fuck it's so obvious to me (at 21) why not to make some decisions that my parents did (at various ages, of course.. but all over 21). Fuck it, i mean it's MY hindsight on THEIR decisions, and it's judgmental.  Maybe I should just be grateful for their examples.  That I, too, felt like the one least appreciated in my family growing up.  And how it made me turn from everyone, and put MY work-my-ass-off efforts in research. (his happened much earlier, of course.. i'll get to that later) But i just don't get why the hell he married and had kids.  Was it some success marker? Was it that he never really thought through it? I mean.. obviously it didn't really interest him, ever.  Whatever, i mean, dude's succeeded.. I suppose he's happy, and i mean obviously I'M pleased he didn't think it through, or whatever. Just odd.

*

And.. the one i'm not worried about, just kinda angry, and curious.

*Why it took me so long to hate my family.  I know why.  It's because growing up, somehow, I 


damn it.
phone call, now i have to go to work. mroe later.